Archive for April, 2011

Men: Learn How To Be More Thoughtful: “Put Down the Darn Toilet Seat”!

Sunday, April 10th, 2011

     Ever been in a conversation with a group of people and the topic came up, offered by a female, about the toilet seat being left up?  (Men don’t bring those kinds of things up in a conversation!) I was recently, thus the starting point for this essay. For some reason the toilet seat issue is a symbol of male thoughtlessness with regard to the person he is living with, or in some cases, visiting.

      Men aren’t famous for paying attention to the little things that can leave the female appreciative or aggravated. Most men did not see much male thoughtfulness exhibited in the home in which they were raised. John Wayne, Marlon Brando and Hulk Hogan weren’t much help either.

     Thoughtful or thoughtless behavior can make a significant difference in a relationship. If a man demonstrates thoughtfulness toward his mate/significant other she feels appreciated and valued.  Consequently she opens her heart, and other aspects of her being, to that man who does things that show he is attuned to her.

     I do not pretend to be an expert on what every woman desires in terms of male thoughtfulness, (even though I saw the Mel Gibson movie about “What women want’), but I’ve learned a few things from women over the years of listening to their wishes and concerns. 

      Ladies, what are some of the little things that you wish your significant other would pay more attention to and put into practice in order to show he is “thoughtful”?  Have you “invited” him to do some of these things?

1. Take out the trash

2. Bring you flowers because it is Tuesday

3. Put dirty dishes in the dish washer. Empty the dish washer.

4. Dust (don’t be silly)

5. Iron (now you’re really dreaming)

6. Clean up after dinner

7. Give the kids a bath, and read them a story

8. Offer to go to the grocery store

9. Keep your car clean and in good shape

10 A back massage (without expecting anything in return)

11 Give you some alone time while he covers whatever needs to be done.

12 Compliment you for looking good, working hard, cooking a fine meal, etc…

13 Have good hygiene so that you can desire him more

14. Certainly you have others…!

     The main point of this article is to try and enhance male thoughtfulness toward the important person(s) in his life.  A good place to start is to put the darn toilet seat back down!

Brittany is Having a Baby! Grand Parent Time is Arriving. What are the “Rules”?

Thursday, April 7th, 2011

      I’m excited!  Sherry and I are soon to be grandparents for the first time! Our daughter, Brittany, is pregnant and expecting on Labor Day (appropriate enough). Both Brittany and David are enthused about welcoming “Baby D” (Dixon is the family name) into their Lake Norman home. It is interesting to feel emotions not experienced before. They are powerful. “Daddy’s Girl” is having a baby!  I still remember watching  Father of the Bride with her when she was eight. Time flies.

     Recently Brittany sent us via e-mail a sonogram showing the child developing (size of a peach) and last week a video of her hearing the heart beat.  Interesting and affirming  picture and sound. Brittany is doing a great job of including us in her developing pregnancy, for which we are appreciative.

     I wonder what kind of grandparent I will be.  First, what to be called?  “Grandpa” felt ancient.  After sounding out a few other possibilities and getting feedback from family I settled on “Papa John”. (Did you know I also started a pizza franchise?)  Sherry has decided on “Nana”.  “Grandma” certainly doesn’t fit this forever young woman!

     Next question I asked myself, “Papa John”, are you going to practice what you preach? Having counseled many grandparents, their kids, and their kid’s kids, I know well most of the pitfalls that can exist in this new generational offspring’s family.

     My grandfathers were special to me in my growing up years.  I felt loved and cared for in a special way by each of them.  I hope to follow that grandfather tradition – and maybe add a touch or two!

     I’d like to share with you a few of the do’s and don’ts of being a good grandparent.  A few pertinent “rules” would include:

  1. Support your kids raising their kids.  The grandkids are not your kids.
  2. Don’t give advice unless asked for by the parents.
  3. Learn how to connect with, and be a positive influence in the grandkids’ life, without usurping the authority of the parents.
  4. Be there when needed, but do not impose.  Do not be “used” by parents who abdicate their responsibility.
  5. Don’t spoil the kids.  Stay within the parameters of behavior/discipline/rewards established by the parents.
  6. Learn when to keep your mouth shut. Certain comments or observations are unnecessary and create bad feelings.
  7. You are not the only grandparents – sharing and balance is needed with the other grandparents and members of the “extended” family.
  8. Work through and with the parents – not around them.
  9. Be familiar with the parents’ priorities involving safety, health, feeding, discipline, hygiene, etc… and reinforce their desires through your actions.
  10. Love ‘em with all your heart!

     I am enjoying this countdown period as I witness a special glow effervescent on Brittany’s face – and on Nana’s!  I look forward to welcome our “Georgia Peach” (even if the birth will be in North Carolina). Sure hope I can follow the “Rules”.

     How about you? What are your thoughts about being a grandparent.  How good are you in this role?  Or will you be?  It is a great opportunity to be a positive force in the development of another generation evolving – yours!

Warning! Women: Beware of These Type of Men

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

     There are some women who are naïve, excessively needy, overly tolerant, reformers, or masochists.  They choose, stay with, and get hurt by, “bad guys.”  Let’s look at a few types of men to avoid.

     Judith Brown, an experienced therapist, has written an engaging book, “HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN BEFORE YOU GET INVOLVED.”  Ms. Brown is trying to educate women to be on the lookout for these types of dangerous men.  These “bad guys” to be avoided hurt women emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, or financially.  They are pathologically damaged, with limited probability of healing unless committed to serious therapy.

     These are Brown’s “bad guys” along with my commentary.

1. PERMANENT CLINGER    This man’s needs were not met developmentally.  He is a weak man, probably looking for a mother figure.  He will suck you dry.

2. PARENTAL SEEKER   This emotional “child” is unable to pay bills, hold a steady job, or make good decisions.  Who needs this weak leech?

3. EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE   This group is not capable of emotional attachment.  They are totally into themselves and usually go for the chase and score, rather than attachment and commitment.  You become a numerical conquest, not a person to be loved. Bed and be gone is their motto.

4. HIDDEN LIFE    These guys have “deal killer” secrets:  married, closet homosexual, children, police record, etc…

5. MENTALLY ILL   You would be surprised at how many men have mental health issues.  Be sure to meet with a competent therapist to help you see the true man that exists beyond the presented façade.

6. ADDICT    These men are out of balance and control.  Something outside of them dominates.  They abuse drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, food, achievement.

7. ABUSIVE OR VIOLENT  These “bad guys” are physically hurtful, and/or emotionally controlling by shaming, blaming, finances, or sex.

8. EMOTIONAL PREDATOR   These chameleons turn themselves into whatever a woman needs him to be.  They have no core values or integrity. 

     Do you know any of the above types?  Date them?  Marry them?   Stay away; get loose from these “bad guys.”  They will whittle you down, wear you out, and kill your spirit.

     Open your eyes; see what you are inclined not to see.  Listen to your wonderful feminine intuition. Get rid of your own neediness or desperation to “have a man in your life.”  Better to be alone than to be absorbed by toxicity.

     Ms. Brown says that too many women are “volunteers for abuse” because they won’t address their own emotional issues that lead to this detrimental dating behavior.  A woman should not try to make excuses for intolerable behavior, try to “fix” him, or stay because she does not want to be alone.”

                                        WOMEN BEWARE.    BE WISE