Archive for February, 2015

Might You Be “Passive-Aggressive? Someone Close To You?

Wednesday, February 4th, 2015

Are you familiar with the term “passive aggressive”?  If you are not familiar with the term odds are that you have experienced this type of communication from someone close to you. Perhaps you too have been guilty of using this undesirable form of communication.

A working definition of passive aggression for the purpose of this writing is “a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings on anger”.  Passive Aggressives are not obviously angry but they use subtle words and tonality to try and create a feeling of insecurity or frustration in you.

Do you recognize any of these expressions coming from your lips or someone close to you?  “I’m not mad”(denying feelings when really upset on the inside). “Fine, whatever” (sulking and withdrawing from arguments). “I’m  coming” (complying with a request but delaying its completion). “I didn’t know you meant now” (a way of procrastinating). “You just want everything to be perfect” (carry out the task in a timely but unacceptable manner). “I thought you knew” (not sharing information which could have been helpful). “Sure, I’d be happy to” (smiling and saying the right thing but not following through). “I was only joking” (a cutting statement or sarcasm and then denial of the expressed statement). “Why are you getting so upset” (taking pleasure at upsetting someone and then questioning their “overreactions”)

Characteristics of Passive Aggressives:

  1. Often unwilling to speak your truth openly, kindly, and honestly.
  2. Appear sweet, compliant, and agreeable, but really are resentful, angry, petty and envious underneath.
  3. Complaining that others treat you unfairly. (victim style)
  4. Procrastinating frequently, especially on things you do for others.
  5. Unwilling to give a straight answer.
  6. Sulking, withdrawing, and pouting.
  7. Frequently feeling inadequate but covering it up with superiority, disdain, or hostile passivity.
  8. Often late and/or forgetful.
  9. Dragging your feet to frustrate others.
  10. Making up stories, excuses, and lies.
  11. Constantly presenting yourself so no one will know how afraid you are of being inadequate, imperfect, left, dependent, or simply human.
  12. Promise to do something for someone and then conveniently “forget” to do it.
  13. Blame others for not doing something you committed to.
  14. Frequently use the word “can’t” when you really mean “won’t”.

Passive Aggressives are tough to have a relationship with for they are difficult to trust.  When communication is unclear or it seems you are getting, or sending, mixed message you cannot be sure what is really going on inside – the true feelings.

Preferably you, or someone you have a relationship with, has a more direct and trustworthy form of communication.  “Mean what you say and say what you mean” (but don’t say it mean)!

“The unexamined life is not worth living”    Socrates

Want To Be Happier? STOP Doing These Things!

Sunday, February 1st, 2015

You want to be happy, do you not? You try to be happy as much as you are able, do you not? You will welcome more insights on how to be happy, will you not? Okay, here goes. You need to STOP doing these things. These insights of Jeff Haden of INC. were sent to me by a friend.  I share them with you, adding my own pithy comments.

  1. BLAMING: The blame game saps your energy and rolls you into negativism. Assume responsibility for what you can manage, make good choices, and avoid those persons that hinder your progress.
  2. IMPRESSING: Just be yourself. Your trappings of clothes, jewelry, other possessions or titles are just “things”.  They are not you. “Suit up and show up”, without the need to impress.
  3. CLINGING: Do not stay stuck and cling to what you know when facing fears and insecurities. Let go and reach for a further goal. If you are not moving forward, you are falling behind.
  4. INTERRUPTING: For one thing, it is rude.  Also, you are sending the message that you are not really listening to the person, you are just looking for the opportunity to say what you want. Focus on what they are saying and ask questions displaying your interest.
  5. WHINING: When you whine, it actually makes you feel worse. Don’t talk about what’s wrong.  Spend that energy on making things better. Nobody wants to hear your whining. “Would you like some cheese with that whine”?
  6. CONTROLLING:  Get real, the only thing you can control is yourself. If you find yourself trying hard to control other people, you’ve decided that you, your goals, your dreams and opinions are more important than theirs.
  7. CRITICIZING: It doesn’t work!  Everyone is different: not better or worse, just different.  Appreciate the differences instead of the shortcomings and you’ll see people – and yourself – in a better light.
  8. PREACHING: This is related to criticizing. Nobody wants to hear it, except maybe in church. It, too, like criticizing, involves judging. Get out of your pulpit!
  9. DWELLING: The past is valuable for helping you learn from your mistakes.  Learn, let go, and move on to create what is needed finding a better way.  You cannot move forward if your head is turned behind you.
  10. FEARING:  Everyone has fears moving forward.  Just don’t stay “frozen” in fear. De-thaw and get moving in a positive forward direction for whatever the next goal is on your agenda list.

Respected Reader, you probably do not do many of things, except for an occasional slip, but maybe this reminder will help you stay focused on creating a happier you – and thus, affecting the happiness of those around you!

“The unexamined life is not worth living”  Socrates