An “Intimacy Test”: Can You Pass It?

When I do relationship counseling I want to know right away just how close these people are to each other.  Since people often use the same words to express different realities I use numbers to gauge each person’s perception of how close s/he feels towards the other. I ask each to give me an answer between 0 (the pits) and 10 (heavenly bliss).  It is a good starting point. Also, there are various instruments and inventories to explore this closeness, intimacy, factor.

The following “test, or inventory was developed by R.S. Miller and H.M. Lefcourt and published in the Journal of Personality Assessment.  I offer it to you with the authors” description of what your scores may portray.  Are you willing to give it a go? With your partner?

1. How much of your leisure time do you spend with your partner?

a) not much   b) a little  c) a lot

2. How often do your feel it is important for your partner to show you physical affection?

a) not often   b) sometimes   c) often

3. Would you feel hurt if s/he didn’t share deep intimate feelings with you?

a) not much   b) a little   c) very much

4. Do you understand his/her innermost feelings?

a) not much   b) a little   c) very much

5. How encouraging and supportive are you when your partner is unhappy?

a) not much   b) a little    c) very much

6. How much do you show him/her affection?

a) not much   b) a little   c) very much

7. Do you feel close to your partner?

a) not much   b) a little  c) very much

8. When you disagree strongly, how much does it hurt your relationship?

a) not much   b) a little   c) very much

9. How much time do you spend alone with him/her?

a) not much   b) a little   c) a lot

10. How satisfying is your relationship with your partner?

a) not very satisfying  b) somewhat satisfying  c) very satisfying

11. When you quarrel heatedly, does it actually make you physically ill?

a) not much   b) a little   c) very much

12. Do your arguments last two days or longer?

a) often   b) sometimes    c) not often

To tally your score give yourself 1 point for each “a” response, 2 points for each “b) response, and 3 points for each “c” response.

A score of 27 points or less: Your intimacy level with your partner is fairly low.  One or both of you has intimacy challenges and counseling should be sought.

A score of 28-32 points: You have an average degree of intimacy compared with other couples.  You need to decide if it is satisfactory or not – and what, if anything should be done to increase it.

A score of 33 points or more: You have an intensely close relationship.

Your scores may be indicative of your intimacy reality, depending on your awareness and truthfulness, as well as your partner’s.  This “test” is offered as a vehicle to promote self reflection, dialogue, and improvement, where needed, in a relationship.  Hopefully it was enlightening to some degree and helpful in getting the love and intimacy you desire.


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